Marry someone who accepts not the one who understands.

My counselling work often helps me learn a lot about things I have never experienced. One such aspect is MARRIAGE. Being single and still able to solve marital issues is something I have learnt from my counselling work. I have received compliments for my work by many people. However, I believe the best compliment of my work is seeing all those people I have counselled live happily in their lives. All those marriages all patched up back to normal by just some small efforts by me. These things actually make me happy.

Often, my friends call me up for some counselling and help. One such incident did happen recently which I could not resist to share.

I got a call from a very close friend. She is from the bunch of people I respect. I had a small chat with her over the phone call and told her that we could meet for dinner that evening. I picked her up and we were off to our favorite restaurant. After ordering stuff, we started discussing normal stuff and finally she came to the point.

“Kunal, dude you know these days mom and dad are busy seeking proposals for my marriage. I am just so confused about everything and I am very nervous. I do not exactly know what I want. It is just such a complicated matter. I cannot handle this stuff. Mom keeps asking me about the kind of husband I prefer but I do not have the right answers. I wonder why life is so difficult.” I could not help but I was laughing at this. Anyone would have laughed looking at her so goofed up. She was looking cute and beautiful both at the same time. “Life isn't complicated or difficult at all. It is all in our heads my dear. Just relax!” She was now smiling. “I know may be I am over reacting but I need to have a clear brain before going ahead with such an important decision of life. Kunal, you remember those days when we use to go for job interviews and you had this kind of a hobby to appear for an interview even though you got a good job. I use to come along with you in that madness just to test my skills, as you did. That was so much fun. However, here a marriage interview where I have to make a choice, it is just so difficult.” “Yeah I remember those days. It was great fun to appear for an interview everyday and then report for job in the night shift. I enjoyed that thrill a lot. Life is also such a thrill and you can enjoy it in every aspect if you train and tame your brains in that manner.” “Taming and training is a job we leave to Mr. Knowledge like you. We are just bothered about solutions Gururji!” She now giggled making fun of me. Even I laughed at this. The food now placed and we were having our dinner silently. “Tell me do you like the food here?” I asked. “Of course I do. It is very delicious. Why?” “Well do you know the recipe of this particular dish placed here and do you know why it is so delicious here at the restaurant and not tasty when cooked by you?” “I know you hate my cooking. However, I frankly do not understand every time I eat this dish here it is just fabulous and when I cook it at home, it is just so pathetic.” “Yeah that is true it is pathetic when you cook it. You don’t understand why, however you accept the fact that you can’t cook such a dish at home?”

“Yes I do. Now would you please stop pointing out my flaws?” “I am not pointing out your flaws my dear; I am just making you understand stuff in the simplest way.” She had a quizzical look on her face. “Finish your dinner and let’s have a walk home. I will explain it while we walk over to your place.”

We finished our dinner. While walking I spoke “You do not understand why you cook that dish in a pathetic manner, however you accept it that it’s just not your cup of tea right” “Yeah right.”  “So now will you have any nervousness, regrets or second thoughts while cooking this dish at home?” “No, not really” She said “Exactly my point. Do not understand your life partner accept him, the biggest mistake we do is we want to understand. We do not want to accept. We want someone who will understand our thought process, not someone who will accept it. The one who will accept it will be the one who will keep you very happy. The one who will understand may not be able to give you all the happiness and love you are dreaming. Acceptance is true love and understanding is a mere compromise. This will help you to know whom you should choose and who you should not.” There was silence. I knew she would come up with a question. In all these years of our friendship, I had learnt one thing about her. She had an analytical mind. Dealing with such people always is challenging but I love such challenges because it helps me improve my thought process and also learn a lot from the other person. “Kunal, how come someone who does not understand my thought process and just accept it keep me happy don’t you think you are mistaken about this?” I was now smiling. This was exactly the question I had expected from her. It is a common belief that you should always have someone who understands you and not the one who accepts you and coming from such a social circle, she had to ask this question. There was a time I believed in this theory, falling in love made me understand otherwise. “No I am not mistaken at all. I will give you a small example. You know your mom and dad too well. You understand what they think and how they think right?” I asked. “Yes I do.” “Now remember the first time we decided to go to Goa and your mom was against it. She did not like the idea of us riding all the way to Goa on my bike. Now tell me how you managed to convince her.” She was now smiling. She understood what I meant. “Yeah I remember I manipulated her.” “Correct! We can easily manipulate the one whom we understand. Here we leave a margin for a lie in the relation. The relationships like love, companionship and marriage are broken at the smallest lie spoken by either of the partners. We, both you and I have seen such relations breaking have not we. If your partner understands you, he can easily manipulate you and once manipulation becomes a habit lie enters the equation. With the proper proportion of lies that person can become an infidel without you knowing anything about it. Then love will be thrown out of the window and there will be a divorce case in the court.” She was now pondering on what I said and I knew that she would come up with another question. “How come accepting is better than understanding?” I just looked at the sky to look up for a proper example and I spoke “You know I don’t like your cooking right?”  “Yes I do know it” “We both have accepted the fact that your cooking is just pathetic right?” “Yes.” “So now it does not hurt you that I don’t like to eat what you make and I don’t have to eat it and just to keep you happy have to lie to you that it’s good. We both do not have to lie to each other and we both will not be hurting each other at all. We both will not be ever fighting over the thing that we both accept. Hence, it does not matter to me whether you can cook good or no. You are my friend and your bad cooking does not change anything for me. For you it is easy to face it because you know I accept you as you are. Therefore, you will not be ashamed about a flaw you have and you will be able to live free without the fear of landing up in my bad books. This is the same with marriage when two people accept each other and each other’s thought process they will never have to lie to each other. They can enjoy life as they are. They will not have to go out of the way to express their love. Marriage will not become a burden for either of them. They will enjoy each moment because their partner will not judge them. They will not be insecure about losing their partner because they do not know how their partner will judge them. The bond of love would grow stronger. Trust will build up automatically. The things that happen naturally and do not need much effort are very beautiful. Love, if happens effortlessly, will be the most amazing feelings you will ever come across. Bond between both the partners will be secured and strong without a margin of lie. They will not have to lie to each other over small stuff. That kind of marriage will not be a burden and will last long.” “Hmm! So you mean to say that one who accepts me will not be infidel if given a chance.” “That will rarely happen. Because He would have accepted you, completely as you are without any complains or demands. Once there is complete acceptance there cannot be demands and complains. Complete acceptance only happens when the heart and mind are content with the person they have and they are satisfied with their partner. When there is satisfaction in a relationship neither of the partners would seek satisfaction elsewhere. Hence, the chances of either of the one cheating the other are very scarce, in fact negligible. I will give you a small example over this too. When we became friends, do you remember the first time we met? You had called me a fool, a stupid egoistic moron.” “Yes I remember (she giggled) you seemed like one. Then I know how you helped me out and how we became such good friends.” “Exactly. Now you have accepted me the way I am and hence you are comfortable with me. You have no complains as to why I behave in a particular manner?  Why I do not pick up calls at particular times? Why I do not shave sometimes? Etc. You know the way your friend is and you have accepted him in that manner. You have no complaints towards it. Now because you have no regrets and complain towards my ways and me I have become a close friend to you. A friend, whom you can confide in and rely on, you are happy being friends with me and enjoy our friendship. It is the same with marriage. You will enjoy each moment with your partner once you accept his or her thought process and it will be a fruitful and healthy, mature marriage. ” “Forget complaints dude I like the way you are now. The slightest of change and maybe I would hate you. In fact, I love the manner you behave and live in. You are right accepting erases of all complaints and demands. You just enjoy the person and the company. You do not ask stupid questions. You are neither even bothered to find the answers.”She was now smiling. “Don’t you think you have a weird way of explaining things and relating examples and stuff from weird things?” “Yes I do. But I know it’s not as weird as your cooking.” We were both laughing now. Now, giggling, laughing and cracking jokes we reached her place. We hugged each other. She went inside and I again started walking to my place. I was surprised at the explanations I had just provided to her. I do not know whether I was helping her out or finding answers to some questions I had since a long time in my mind. I did not have the slightest of idea that I would come up with this theory just over the dinner table. I had nothing in mind before I took the morsel of food at that dinner table in the restaurant. My brain has a weird way of learning things. It picks up things and relates them to theories. I love this lot.