You never put good money to chase bad money.

I was waiting at the station for my train to arrive. I checked my watch and saw that it was almost time so I saved my article on which I was working and shut down my laptop. I wrapped the laptop in the bag and was all set to board the train. Though I wasn’t happy as I had a good flow of thoughts while writing that article and the link was suddenly interrupted. But work comes first and leisure later. So here I was standing on the platform for the train to come. There was an announcement that the train was delayed due to some technical issues and it will arrive late by an hour. I had no other option but to wait. So I decided to continue with my article. The laptop was on after a few seconds I started typing and going along with the flow of the article. I was so engrossed into writing that I wasn’t aware what was going on around. I had walked into a different world where a writer is romances his words and gets a masterpiece ready for appreciation. “Kunal Dhiren Patrawala.” Someone mentioned my name in a manner I had long forgotten. I looked up to see the familiar face that belonged to the voice. I had actually never imagined that face to be there out of nowhere. There she was standing as beautiful as ever. Her beautiful hair still having that fragrance that made me go crazy about her everytime she fluttered or fidgeted with it. Those eyes which were gleaming still with a smile and confidence, the confidence which made me love her the most in this world and dedicate every breath of my life to her. That face which I had promised to give a smile always even if I had bargain the last drop of my blood to gain the smile for that face to gain all the happiness for that soul. I could have given up the whole world for her. The voice which always was my heart beat. There wasn’t a single moment I didn’t wanna be with her and hold her face in my palms and just keep looking deep into her eyes. I wanted to romance each word she said and fall in love with her some more, every time she smiled. A beauty no other woman or angel can match ever ever ever in my life or in my world. She was my world. In a glimpse at her all those memories fast forwarded and flashbacked in the same time in front of my eyes. It may be a fraction of a second to any on looker but for me as if the clock had stopped ticking. She smiled at me and sat besides me. “Hi! How are you Kunal?” She asked me with that intoxicating voice. On  that very moment I felt like holding her in my arms and plant a tender kiss on her forehead and just keep her in my arms and look deep into her eyes to tell her that I have missed her a lot. But I realized that there was no chance I could do it ever again. “I am fine. What about you?” I asked her. “Well I am fine too. So you still romancing your words I guess sitting here.” “Yeah. I am.” I was romancing my words because all the romance I had in my heart had walked away the she walked away. All I could now romance was my words. She had promised a lot of things and the promises were broken, I not only stopped expecting from people but from my own words now to romance me back. “So hows everything going on? Your business, your novel, and how are mom and dad?” “Everything is going on fine. Mom and dad are fine. Work is going on good too. Novel of course has taken a back seat as I have other obligations.” “Other obligations. Kunal, you could never give up on your novel. I still remember you spent hours on your laptop in the night typing the plots of your novel instead of talking to me over the phone. I could see that enthusiasm and that spark in you to fulfill that dream of yours and you are saying that it has taken a back seat in your life as you have other obligations. Kunal are you seriously fine.” “Yes I am fine. Just that sometimes some dreams have to take a back seat so that you can live some practicality and fend for your family.” “The same old Kunal I guess being practical and philosophical just in one instance. But its good you still write your blog I read your articles.” I thought she never read my articles. I didn’t know she read them. She never told me. “You do? I always thought you never liked reading stuff. I felt that my blog was too boring for you.” “Kunal. I loved you and everything you did was important and interesting to me. Your blog is something I could read when I missed you. I always had appreciated your thoughts and how you wrap them in words and present it as a masterpiece.” I was happy she had respected my words and done justice in complimenting my articles. Any writer or artist would be happy to hear a little bit of appreciation and for me a guy from a small town of Lonavala it was great to have this little appreciation also, though it came from my EX. We both were now silent and I was making a frail attempt to type things. Frankly my brain was blocked and words refused to co-operate with me and do justice to my thoughts. The heart on the other hand had resigned from thinking anything else but her for the time being. Its difficult to focus on anything when the person you love the most is sitting right in front of you. Especially it becomes more difficult when that person is sitting at a hand holding distance from you but all you can do is behave like a old friend that too not a close one with that person. Every one goes through this situation may be once in life. Counselling people was easy but facing this situation was difficult for me. The heart and mind were in conflict. The heart was saying to grab her and tell her I miss her and I want her back but the mind was suggesting otherwise. I thought of hanging on to my mind, the heart had betrayed me many times. I didn’t want my mind to carry another baggage of my broken heart home. She then tried to peek into my laptop to see what I was writing she always did this. I just covered it. “You have still not changed.Show me at least what is the topic of this article Kunal. Please.” “No. You know that I don’t show my articles to anyone till I feel they are perfect to be presented. And I can say niether have you changed. You still peek into my laptop.” “I will always do love.” She said it sponteanously. This was her common reaction always “I will always do love.” To hear these words after 2 years was like a dream come true. But I knew it was a spontaneous reaction and that things between us are no more LOVE.  She looked at me and just hesitated a bit and said “I am sorry. It just came out spontaneously.” “Its ok” I said. After a long pause I asked her.”What brings you here?” “I had just come down for the weekend.Where are you headed to? Mumbai?” “Yup. I have an important meeting there but this bloody train is running late.” “Yeah. Indian Railways you see.”  We both giggled at this. She was staring at me. I guess she didn’t expect me to have such a calm and composed body language. Me being an actor could easily control how my body language emits my thoughts. I didn’t let her feel that I was thinking of being sweet to her and niether did I wanna be harsh it was a complete balanced state. “So.” She asked. “So, what?” I asked as to know what she was implying. “I mean whats new in life.” “Nothing much just routine work and meetings and articles that’s it nothing much new on my side. What about you?” “Me too the same old routine.” I knew actually what she was implying but I didn’t want to lead the conversation to that point. I guess she was deliberate to take the conversation to that point though “Its been 2 years right we last met.” “Yeah may be 2 years I guess.” It was 2 years, 2 weeks, 3 days and 12 hours to be exact. How could I forget each moment I had spent without her. “So.” She again said. This time I knew she just wants to know it. “Do you wanna know did I get married to someone else, or get engaged or am I seeing someone since then.” She was taken aback with my blunt and to the point reply. “Kind of Kunal” She said hesitantly. “No.” it was my straight answer. I didn’t wanna discuss much as I didn’t want to land up again selling my heart to her. “Why Kunal” “I havent had the time to. I was busy chasing my daily bread I can put it in that manner. And I wanted some time to myself. What about you? I am pretty sure you are up with someone. You are beautiful, intelligent, smart and a desirable girl. A girl like you can easily find someone in life.” “Kunal you know sometimes your assumptions arent correct.”There was silence again. “I never found anyone else Kunal. Mom and dad are trying to find a guy but no luck. I guess they made a mistake by rejecting the best choice they had in hand. You.” “Well, its ok. Happens parents always want the best for us. And besides the way we got into a relationship was too unique and different not so easily acceptable by parents who wanna have an arranged marriage for their child.So its totally fine. Being a parent aint an easy task. There are a lot of probabilities and possibilities to work on when you are a parent.” “I agree. And I sometimes think about us, the way we met the way we fell for each other. I sometimes believe things could have worked out.” “I believe that everyday”was my answer. “But you lost faith soon.” I continued. She looked at me with a little bit of guilt in her eye. “Kunal.” I know what her look was implying and what she wanted to say when she looked at me. “I have given it a thought many times and I don’t think that is possible.” “But why Kunal? We can try again. We can make things work out.?” “Do you remember I always made a statement when I use to discuss my day to day affairs of work with you when we were in a relationship” “Yes I remember ‘You never put good money to chase bad money.’”I was happy she had remembered the statement to the exact words. “Exactly.” “But Kunal….” I gestured her to be silent “I havent completed yet. The day you walked away from my life, I mourned that sad moment of my life. When I finally came to my senses I started collecting the pieces of my shattered life to piece them up together again. I am a business man and we business men plan ahead. I had planned a future with you, dreamt many dreams about you and with you. But with the change of plans you made I had to modify my speculations and calculations. I now had to plan everything without you and I have already made plans in which there is no equation where you fit in any more. I cant destroy those plans once again just to accommodate you into them. I do love you and may be will always do but I have tamed my feelings and emotions and I am no more gonna give into the trap of love or emotions. Emotions always make a man weak and being emotionally attached makes your decisions blury. I am attached to my work and my betterment. Going back to you would mean putting my good future into the way of chasing my sad, disappointing past. Time is money and if I put my good future time in chasing what I could not achieve in past I am putting my good money to chase bad money. You never do that. Strictly never do that. Past is past and you can never make it happen like before because then the equation would ask for the track of the time lost crying over this past. I had given you my time,my emotions and my feelings. You didn’t put them to good use my dear. I cant spare more of it, the world needs more productivity rather than sad unproductive people and I don’t wanna be one. If things had to work out and you wanted to put an effort you had your time but you did not. Not my fault dear. I have to walk ahead and not behind.” “Kunal I love you.” “Love me (I just laughed at this) 2 years and not even a single phone call or a message to know how I am, not even a effort to get back to me and discuss all this before in time when I would have said a yes may be. Well this proves all the love you have for me. You don’t love me dear. I am your last option. Like you do in pizzas or ice creams that if you don’t get a particular one then you will settle with whatever is available. I aint a pizza or a chocolate dear, that if you don’t find anyone at all why not me because I was emotionally attached to you at some point of time. Practically you don’t miss me too. You just wanna say sweet words so as to sell your point and idea to me that yes you love me. Love is a luxury I no longer afford. Frankly I do not want to be with a person who treats me as an option or a last choice and not as a human. I know you don’t have someone like me in your mind to be your life partner.” The trains horn could be heard in a distance. I saved my document, shut down my laptop, gathered my things and stood up. I gave a smile to her and said. “The train wont stop for long, so doesn’t time and decisions. People change soon in this world, change is good aint it. Don’t be disheartened as I said you will surely find someone amazingly handsome, rich and successful in your life. Don’t loose hope so soon. As for me as I use to always tell you my dear ‘I am everyone’s joker and no one’s heart throb.’ I have no unique quality in me that I could be better than anyone else for you. But you deserve the best. My job is to make everyone laugh, if you wanna laugh some day do let me know will surely do that for you.” I put out my hand to shake hands with her. She put out her hand, we shook hands. She looked at me with my hand in her hand. She may have had tears in her eyes by this time but all my brains told me was to leave. The train came I boarded it without even turning back.

I could hear the sound of the alarm of the clock nearby and I just woke up. But I woke up with a smile. I woke up with a smile because finally my heart had lost its battle with my brain. People often ask me what if she ever comes back into your life what would you do. This dream I had today gave me a confident and practical answer. I was happy and content that my emotions were at peace. Though someday I know they will betray me again and may make me cry but atleast I now have something that my brain can feed my heart with and make it focus on my betterment. I may kick my own ass for giving her this reply if I ever come across her in person again and if ever such a thing happens. (Which I know may not ever happen. Because she has long forgotten me may be.) But this is the most perfect, practical and good answer I guess. Sometimes you have to take decisions that are good for your life and not for you. This decision is one such decision I choose to be at peace with my life.