Success an important element of marriage.

With the recent marriage season in session the traditional “Indian Matchmaking System” was in full swing. Traditional Sales Agents like Buajis, Mausijis, Chachijis, Chachaji, and Mausaji, Phuphajis (All maternal and patriarchal relatives) were in complete action and they were all achieving successful matchmaking numbers to their credit. I do respect all my relatives and also love them a lot but I did call them as traditional sales agents because at such occasions they always behave as one. They are always on your head with “Look at that girl/guy she/he is nice I know her/his parents personally. Do you want us to put forth your details for further consideration?” This is a common thing that goes on at marriages/engagements. It’s not that I have not fallen prey to such a relative and their sales strategy. Being a writer is a different thing but even a writer sometimes faces issues first hand so that he can experience the intensity of any situation and write deeply about his thoughts. It was not that this was happening for the first time with me I have been through such experiences since the last 3 years now. But then not every incident is worth mentioning. This one was something special to me as it had an intellectual fulfillment towards whatever my brain craves for as a subject matter for my articles.  

Our family was invited to one such occasion. One of my cousins was getting married. We both had been too close since childhood so I decided that I would attend the wedding. My sisters were going to come along with their husbands and I had to drive dad and mom to the venue. I am a very particular person about the appearance of my vehicle and my clothing so one day before the trip I cleaned and washed my car thoroughly and prepared my formal clothes perfectly. As usual it was a black shirt and a black trouser, a black watch, black shoes and socks. (I basically love black a lot because black makes you like a little slim and also it’s classy to wear blacks when attending evening functions especially if you have a fair complexion). All dressed up and well groomed we reached the venue. I met and greeted all my cousins and relatives. I usually meet everyone with a warm smile and a joke up my sleeve. I was then sitting with all my cousins and we were cracking jokes, discussing things and also sharing experiences. It is great fun to be with my cousins. My cousins and I love each other a lot. I saw mom approaching me. I knew a matchmaking agent relative of mine has discussed about another “rishta” with my mom and she is here to tell me about it. I just stood up. Mom gestured me to walk to the corner alongside. I went there with mom and she just told me. “Look at that girl standing there in that blue dress. She is single and her parents are seeking proposals for her. Do you want us to talk to her parents?” Well one thing about Indian Moms is that if they are determined about something you can never say a NO; they will never accept it as an answer. I had learnt this truth and did not want to get into an argument with my mom. (I guess I have got all the skills of arguments and winning those arguments from my mom.) I had a glance at the girl. Well at that very moment that was the only thing I could do. (Not that I don’t like ogling at beautiful girls and adoring their beauty but then I am not a hooligan or a street side Romeo. I have a class.) The first thing that came to my mind looking at her was that she had a great and perfect dressing sense. This quality is very important; it shows how a person likes his or her things to be. A perfect dressing sense means all things of that person are always kept in place and that the person isn't any cheap idiot he or she is a classy person. Here again I don’t mean a person should wear branded clothes or expensive clothes but then that person should have the sense of what would suit him or her and dress according to the occasion. One more important thing about clothing is how one carries one self in it. Especially this comes into consideration when looking at girls. Girls who know how to carry themselves gracefully in a traditional saree or salwar kameez generally get a lot of heads turned around and lot of admirers. So the dressing sense was perfect. Beautiful long hair and a soothing smile with a fairly good complexion. All in all I didn't mind meeting her in person and considering things. But the point didn't end here. “Mom, she is perfect in all senses no doubt about it. But then look at me I am out of shape. I bet she will reject me the moment she sees me. I mean why to waste someone’s time and energy over a situation which may not work out. Beyond this I am ready to accept your suggestion to forward my details for further consideration.” I know I should love myself. However, I am very conscious about me being fat. People would give an argument that work out, exercise and all but frankly tell me how many of the fatsos have actually gone slim. Those who have gone slim have focused their complete energy on it. A business man does not afford that luxury. In college no doubt I did look good but then now……it’s a different story. However, I do love myself for my skills and my brains. The only thing that makes me go sad is my body. Every time my mom sees a beautiful girl she dreams about her getting married to me. Moms are very sweet they always love their sons a lot and think their son is a Hritik Roshan or a Brad Pitt dude. I am none so I always warn her before she goes ahead with anything at all. There have been times she has been disappointed with me being rejected because of my looks. Dad and mom have been getting disappointed a lot of time because of me being rejected. I am used to rejections now. I know the answer of almost all the girls before even I meet them. It is always a No because basically every girl judges the book by the cover. I never give up hopes though. So with all the things set in motion by mom and my aunt (the same agent relative who brought up the proposal thing on this occasion). I went back and sat with my cousins. After chatting for some more while we got involved into the ceremony. Later, our family entered the dinner hall. I greeted my sisters there and also their husbands. It’s a common Indian tradition that I have to accompany my sisters’ husbands at lunch or dinner and have to stick around discussing stuff with them about various things. Nothing bad in this but I believe this should come out of respect and love and not a compulsory obligation. Over dinner as mom and aunt had planned, aunt brought along the girl’s family to join us over the dinner table. The girl was seated exactly opposite to me. We both gave a glance to each other. I was pretty sure she was given a complete idea of what was going on and why they had been brought here to our dinner table. The moment she gave me a glance I started my analyses on her body language and her expressions as to what next may happen. (I generally do that with everyone, this helps me a lot to deal with people in business world and plan ahead.) I however could not gather anything from my analysis. Of course I am guy mesmerized by a sheer intoxicating beauty in front of me. How could my brains work properly here? Every intellect has a weak point and mine is beauty and perfection. It can be a beauty of a car or a bike or a photograph or a beautifully cooked dish. (I am more inclined to cars and bikes again. It rarely happens that a girl’s beauty catches my attention. This was one such occasion.) However, I kept telling myself not to lose focus and concentrate. While I was busy doing this everyone around the table was talking to each other. The only people who weren't speaking were her and me. She was also “checking me out” during all this time. We were silently having dinner while our parents spoke and finally they decided to set up an official meeting once they have consulted the so called Pandits regarding our birth charts. Every Indian knows about the birth chart thing. For people who don’t know, every Indian marriage is based on the match of the birth charts. If the match isn't good the marriage won’t be conducted. It is an age old belief which mostly all Arranged Indian marriages follow. So, dinner was done, wedding was done, parting greetings were given and we drove back home. Two days and 3 Pandits later the verdict given was the marriage won’t have any problems if conducted. So our parents decided upon the meeting. We met at a restaurant. Parents first exchanged greetings. Out of respect we both sat with our parents and then our parents permitted us to sit at a different table and discuss things out. This is the most boring, stupid yet complicated part of the arranged marriage system. How can anyone decide to marry anyone just by asking a few stupid common questions? I mean how can anyone judge that person and believe that the person will hold hands for life and always be there and love out of bounds always? It takes me at least more than 40 shirts to select from if I ever go for shopping. It is the question about my life and how can I decide everything just in one meeting or maximum we are allowed to meet twice. Even in that we are always surrounded by bodyguards in the form of parents or cousins. But still here I was. I had no luck in my love life and practically it was high time I settled down. So, as being a huge flirt and all from college days I decided to break the ice and start the conversation. But before even I could speak a word she spoke “Shall we have our formal introductions. Though parents have given an in and out info but still it would be better if we introduced ourselves to each other.” I was looking at her with a smile on my face and a thought in my brain that if she is always going to steal away my pick up lines like this it is going to be far more difficult for me. “Yeah you are right we should introduce ourselves to each other. Kunal Dhiren Patrawala (I generally quote my complete name whenever I meet anyone.).” She did tell me her name but I am withholding it for purposes known to all. “You have this habit of quoting your whole name always or just trying to impress me and all by saying it in a style.” “Well you may judge it as a style and all but I am very keen on using my complete name. I am very particular when it comes to my name.” “But Shakespeare says what’s in the name.””Yeah right I wasn’t born then. So he could commit a mistake of saying such a thing.” We both laughed. “You had sent me an email in which you had attached your bio. I did like reading it. It wasn’t like all those boring bios I get to read .I must say pretty impressive.” “If you did read my complete bio you may have read that I like to write. I won’t designate myself as a poet or a writer but yes playing with words and impressing people, an especially a girl, with my words is kind of a hobby I have cultivated lately.” We again laughed a bit at this. “Kunal, do you believe in love.” I knew this would come. It is a very common question asked at such occasions and mostly it has the topmost priority in such conversations. I have been answering this question with different answers all the time and yet no luck Lol. I had my mixed thoughts about this but I wanted to put them honestly in front of her. After all if things did go well we would be considering marrying each other so I wanted to be very honest and direct. “Love is a luxury that I don’t afford. If I would say I believe in it then I would be lying to you. Frankly I don’t actually know what love is. Not that I have never come across situations in life where I did feel something for someone but still I believe love is too complicated to be commented on or believed in and I hate complicated things.” “So you mean to say love isn’t at all existent.” “I never said that I just believe I am not aware of it yet. People become aware of things or feelings if they get them. If you do not have money you do not know how it feels to have it in a similar manner if you do not have love you do not know how you feel about love. The person who has a broken heart will always hate love; a person who is loved back would say love is great. Observers and learners like me do not comment on it till we learn it.” She smiled and looked at me for a moment. She was looking deep into my eyes. I just snapped my fingers. “According to you what are the most important attributes of marriage?” “Trust, love, understanding are the most important ones. What about you?” “Me, well I believe Trust and understanding will develop with time and Love will eventually happen. But then success is also an important part of a married life.” “I agree with you.” It was my turn now to smile. She had understood my point. I was now a little happy that I didn’t have to explain each and every inch of my thought process to her. This was however, just the beginning. “Kunal according to you what level in life is called success and what level is considered as unsuccessful.” Now she was talking I enjoy such conversations. They help me learn about new thought processes of people and know how people consider things. “Well, the degree of success in each man’s life varies. I would say even that waiter is successful and the guy sitting there with that girl is also successful furthermore that business man looking into his watch and waiting for a client is also successful. The level of success is differentiated all the time.” “Do you plainly term success as achieving one’s ambition?” “Nope that is not success at all.” “Can you please explain how?” “Ambition can never be connected to success. Success is what he/ she have achieved and ambition is what he/ she aspires to achieve. Having a high ambition however will keep you constantly working towards achieving more and more but then I won’t call it success that is called greed. Success is feeling content.” “But no one at all is content in their life are they.” “Exactly no one is. So that is where the problem starts. If they aren’t content they do not remain happy. Being happy is the most important thing. If you are not happy then you will never deliver happiness to anyone.” “Correct. So you believe if there is no success a marriage won’t work out.” “No one is born successful it is a process which takes time to reach success. That is where all that love, trust and understanding steps in. Love trust and understanding are just the supporting actors in the movie of marriage. The lead actor is success and success only. If we get married and you do not see me doing any progress in life or not working smarter enough for the betterment of our future and the future of our kids, do you think you will have the patience to sit beside me and hold my hand and say ‘no problem Kunal I am with you we will feed the kids some love and I will also eat 50gms of love we will give dad mom 50mg of love as their insulin and blood pressure pills. We will pay 100 notes of love as our electricity bill and the telephone bill will have an understanding with us also the government will have trust so we will pay the tax in trust we will fuel our car with love and also I will wear love at parties’” She laughed at this and so did I. She did understand my point. “Those days are gone when a woman would think that her husband is God and she would worship him. I do not believe men are God we men are just humans. If we make a mistake it should be shown to us. There should be equality. If I am seeking a girl who should be educated, well settled with a good job then I should make myself fit for it. I too should have a good earning path laid ahead for a bright, planned and stable future. Without success a marriage is incomplete. I know in low times a person needs some soothing words and a shoulder to cry on. But only sitting and crying won’t help. If a person isn't ready to take up charge and responsibility he will never be successful and in turn will be written off as irresponsible and unwanted by the very people who claim to love him the most.” She again looked at me and just said “Hmmmmmmm” “So on practical terms this is what you believe right. So what according to you is being unsuccessful? Is being poor being unsuccessful?” “Money has nothing to do with success here. It is the willingness and ability to work for a better life that is related to success here. A poor man is successful if he has a stable job and an ethical lifestyle. A rich man can be unsuccessful if he is left with only money and no one to care for him. Success is the sum of everything and yet not at all dependent on any single thing alone. It is a complicated equation with a simple outcome and a pleasant revelation.” We both were now looking at each other. I must say she was looking damn beautiful and my brain was now slowly entering into romance mode. I had to however keep it out of that mode so as to have a proper judgment and perfect decision making. My brain was craving for such a feeling for a very long time. I did not want it to get into that mode however, so soon. Guys can be very stupid at times. “What if I say that it doesn't matter to me whether you are successful or unsuccessful?” “I would say you are making a mistake. Your decision isn't perfect at all. You may regret such a decision in life to come.” “But Kunal such matters are not decided on practical things only. I mean a lot of emotions are always involved from a girl’s side. She is gonna leave everything behind and walk into an unknown place. Don’t you think?” “I agree with you totally and that is where it is even more important for a guy to be successful. No guy can ever take the place of her father in a girl’s life but he should be strong enough to give her the luxuries and happiness her father could afford. Sometimes that is also a manner of showing love and care. Love and care is a very pure thing. But life these days has become so materialistic that gestures, luxuries, and lifestyle everything is important again as a supportive factor to express that love and care. Besides this a guy should have a loving heart and a caring nature. Also the emotions involved from the girl’s side tend to be like an anchor for the guy to make him feel content and happy. Though he may not give up on his ambitions but he will be happy that his efforts are respected and appreciated.” “Do you always give such explanations or today is some special day.” I was laughing. “No I don’t give such explanations every day. Today is nothing special but it is always good to discuss stuff in detail when we are in a situation where the decision to be made is a lifetime commitment. Other than that most of the time I am romantic and funny.” “Now that is something interesting. So if we get married there are gonna be a whole lot of poems dedicated to me written by you I guess.” “As you wish” we both were now laughing. “Kunal my thoughts are almost the same as yours when it comes to marriage. Success is an important factor to me too but directly jumping to success part would have made me look like a greedy bitch.” “Everyone out there has to be a greedy bitch. Happiness comes to those who have the guts to grab it. You are not wrong at all in thinking about success in life. In fact you are practical and sound minded. A mature person always involves every aspect while making a decision. Our society is still filled with fools who believe that a girl should not be so straight forward. Don’t worry I don’t belong to those class of fools. However, I may be an emotional fool at times. I have been in the past and that has taught me some lessons a bitter way.” “So you did have a past.” “Well I will have to kill you if I told you that its highly classified Lol.” We both again laughed at this. Our parents were intently looking at us. I bet they had already dreamt of a grand marriage. However our decisions are still not made up, or shall I say may be our decision is ………..